Been a minute, y’all.

last week—

the title

some text

'Don’t. stop. thinkin’ (about tomorrow).'

last week—May 27

I'm sorry not to have gotten this advice to you last week, but USA Today warned us Are you preparing a Memorial Day cookout? Don't risk food poisoning.
I'm posting this because it strikes me as 'good anytime' advice. Go forth, you cookers-outers, and heed this advice!

We seem to have interlocking themes going here. We apologize.

About that petard.

It seems I've been running into the phrase 'hoist on his own petard' a lot.

While it's a fun phrase to say, I have to admit I keep forgetting what a petard is (if I ever knew). So off to the dictionary I hie myself.

A petard, I discover, is a small bomb. OK, not getting the picture of being hoist by it, no wait, the petarder is blown up by his own device, as in caught in the blast.

A petard can also be a large noise. Seems appropriate somehow, although I can't picture being lifted up by one.

What about lollipops and rainbows? Don't they deserve protection too?

The bill in Congress that will make Daylight Savings Time be in effect year 'round is named the 'Sunshine Protection Act.'

I don't know exactly what this means, but I wouldn't be surprised to see enforcers in aircraft lassoing clouds and pulling them out of the projected path if the sun. Tickets might be issued, too. And how does not jiggling with our clocks protect sunshine?

Not news, WSJ!

This headline is not going to surprise anyone who knows anything about business: Rival airlines are carving up Spirit’s routes and airport slots

These headlines have greater surprise value: 'Sun to rise in East tomorrow,' 'Illegal fireworks on Fourth of July,' 'Church services held on Sunday morning!' 'Babies born yesterday.'

The AISlop cometh.

It is predicted by everybody and nobody in particular, as is the way of the social media these days, that AI is going to automate everything. I suspect that's not really true, and some people say that people who are 'creative' won't be replaced.

But in some areas of entertainment, the transformation may already be complete. I'm thinking of network situation comedies, where in the 50s you had the Stones, the Cleavers, the Nelsons, the Andersons, or the Mitchells, all working the same formula and jokes. Maybe you prefer the mid to late 90s-early 2Ks sitcoms: 'a number of attractive young people hang out in an apartment' series, like Three's Company, Seinfeld, Friends, The Big Bang Theory, Will & Grace, The Drew Carey Show, and Living Single.

Maybe the question shouldn't be 'will it happen?' but 'when did it happen first?'

Names to forget.

A recent WSJ Magazine cover featured a photo of a young man with the caption, Colman Domingo, Man of the Hour.

On the plus side, '15 minutes of fame' seems to have quadrupled. On the down side, you've only got a sixty-minute period in which to make a career-extending impact.

Sic transit gloria mundi.

So when are people supposed to have their crisis?

Also in the WSJ, the editor points out that the term 'midlife' is falling into disfavor. Apparently this is another form of denial, the 'seven ages of man' is shrinking toward two—vibrant living and not living.

The editor goes on to say I see...only a feeble insecurity in the rejection of middle age. I mention that not because I agree (frankly, I'm not quite sure what it means), but because I misread it, substituting 'female' for 'feeble.' Of course, I thought, men have midlife crises and women have... menopause.

The big difference? Men have to manufacture a midlife crisis, or at best we're responding to some vague sense or feeling, while women have a clear sign that 'things are different now.' For some, it's liberating to assume their identity. For others, it's a sign that life is over. For still others, they are fortunate enough to blaze forward on the path they forged, following their life vision.

But wait, there's more.

We're seeing another handover of the generational lead (if only in the targets of up-and-comer wrath and mockery switching from OK Boomers to Gen Xers). Yeah, some of us old farts have been mucking up the works by hanging on way too long, but other signs are there. Like the WSJ Magazine I've been referencing celebrates that people in their late thirties and mid-fifties are doing things in areas they're not supposed to do them in and should be ceded to youth. Like making movies and competing in athletics.

In the past, transitions have been mostly clear. Kennedy signaled the new frontier. Clinton also symbolized a changing of the guard. It's time again.

Redefining terms.

Today we're changing older to 'projecting as my age plus.' It has nothing to do with chronology. Dick VanDyke, for example, may have a quarter century on me, but he is not older. People who have only lived 60 years or so can be older than me. 'Older' has nothing to do with age, infirmity, or activity, or health or wisdom. It has to do with attitude.

I think of my grandmother at 80, being wheeled through the activity room of her nursing home, referring to the card players (who were ten or 15 years her junior) as 'the old ladies.' I didn't understand then.

I understand better now.

And here I thought...

I used 'ditto' in a poem the other day, and wondered, in that superior, patronizing way that I have sometime when I'm alone, 'Do the yeuts of today know where the word ditto comes from, now that the Ditto machine (AKA 'purple poop,' beloved of schoolchildren everywhere) has gone the way of tail fins on DeSotos?

Wanting to know when/if the Ditto went away, I checked.

Good thing I did. Turns out 'ditto' has nothing to do with printing machines, but instead was imported from Italy in the Seventeenth Century to avoid repeating dates. It acquired its 'like before' meaning soon after.

Another thing I did not know.

The eye is the only part of the body that remains the same size all through life as it is at birth.

Fighting fire with fire.

This is one of those pieces that I'm not sure where to begin. Choice one is the original annoyance: overly long web articles where the raison d'etre is buried at the end of the article (if it appears at all). Choice two is the little boxed AI summaries that have been appearing at the top of those overly long web articles, obviating the need to read them, much less sort for substance.

Choice three is to start with the prompt for this article, which was Jeff Goins commenting that Half of these sentences [in those A.I. generated articles] don’t even need to exist.

Happy birthday?

You may have noticed an uptick in references to the works of Mark Twain. That's OK–they're mostly relevant, even though Twain died over 115 years ago.

But—is he really dead? Every time I invoke some of his work, or think about him, or read something of his, doesn't that bring him back to life? And when I mention him, doesn't that bring him to life in your head?

I ask this because a headline said something about 'Miles Davis' 100th birthday.' 'I didn't know he was still alive,' I thought.

He's not–died in 1991. But now. that I'm thinking about him, and the article writer is thinking about him, and somebody is probably playing his music somewhere, is he really dead?

Yes. And no.

Wrong verb modifier, USA Today!

In this headline, replace 'could' with 'will:'

US Postal Service says it could raise first-class stamp prices.

More language.

On a more serious note, Bradley Birzer, in a review of The Idea Machine, notes Miller loves creating, embracing, and profound tidbits of wisdom.

Thus is created confusion. I'm not sure if that's an incomplete parallel construction he's got there, or if there should be more after 'wisdom,' or some other linguistic feat of legerdemain with which I am not familiar. Any way, it's a head-scratching, 'say what?' moment.

Just a thought or two.

for writers, mostly:

The word you are writing at this very instant has the power to change the choice or the meaning of the next word you write. You're making it up as you go along.

In the same way, the word you are writing now has the power to transform the word you just wrote.

The words your audience is reading are not necessarily the same words you wrote, and are probably attached to a narrative in their head you never conceived or even know exists, much less where you were leading.

Headline goes here.

two weeks ago—May 13

Yes, it's the 13th. No that does not mean you're going to have bad luck. The amount of bad luck you will have today was determined at the beginning of time, and has nothing to do with a quirky numbering system used to chronicle the passage of time.

Still, you should look both ways before crossing the street.

Also making their collective IQs closer to those of men.

The Independent passes along Pregnant women’s brains shed grey matter to prepare for motherhood, study suggests.

Moms probably need to do that to deal with Bluey marathons. Side bonus: talking to husbands who suddenly realize they now have parental responsibilities.

Pretty soon, we'll all have our own spot on a spectrum.

A new study suggests there are three different types of ADHD making people act differently. And yep, it's funny how often we see that different/differently combination.

ADDitude spells out the types for us: hyperactive, inattentive, and combined. Now, I know researchers are trying so hard to bring ADHD on a par with introverts and extroverts, each of which has four types, but 'combined' seems to reek of desperation.

Yeah, yeah, I know, further research, additional funding, yadda-yadda.

If science says so, it must be true.

The Economic Times passes along this week's question and answer: Does heaven have a physical address? Harvard physicist claims universe’s expansion can reveal the location.

While the scientist claims heaven is 'beyond the edge of the physical universe' (which was formerly billed as an infinite space without edges), I think heaven (and hell) is much closer. Otherwise, it would take too long to get there, and if it was that far away, how would we know what to pack?

My best guess is heaven is Ireland. 'Not too hot, not too cold, and you only need a light jacket.' As a bonus, you're close to the source of Guinness.

Now, there are people who have been to Ireland (especially in the rainy season, which lasts 365 days a year) who claim that it's hell.

Who says it can't be both?

For fans of irony.

Fox News reports Construction workers at the University of Oklahoma came across century-old human remains... at the construction site for OU's future Life Sciences Laboratories Building. 

And in what is probably the tackiest thing I've said so far this year, the university reportedly will be advertising its life sciences program by claiming 'all cadavers sourced on-site.'

Questions, we get questions.

Totally fictitious readers submitted totally made-up questions. I will attempt to answer them.

Aren't all questions totally made up?

Yes, they are products of overactive imaginations. Not that you asked, but large parts of what we think of as reality are also products of overactive imaginations. For example, right now, I'm imagining readers with a little less attitude and snark who pay more respectful attention to the profundity of my utterances.

Why is the sky blue?

The sky is blue because it's depressed.

Follow-up question: why is the sky depressed?

The sky is depressed because it is totally dependent upon the sun to be visible. The sky is also depressed because when it's hidden by clouds, all people can talk about is how the sun is hidden, and to add insult to injury, people blame the sky for rain instead of the clouds, where blame rightly belongs.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

First off, that chicken has a name. She's Cindy. Her pronouns are she and her (she decided to stick with the pronouns assigned to her at birth). Cindy's motives for crossing the road are unclear. One explanation is that like many hens, Cindy was tired of not being loved for herself, but only for the eggs she produced. Another is Cindy was trying to escape an abusive relationship with a domineering rooster. Finally, other chickens report that Cindy longed for a simpler lifestyle, and beyond the road there was a fence, and beyond the fence, greener grass and tastier bugs. All could have played a part in her decision.

Didn't you used to have a beard?

Technically I still do, but like many other body parts, I choose to keep it hidden.

Is Sasquatch a vegetarian?

You actually have two questions. Is Sasquatch? If so, then eating habits?

Why does the United States have a Poet Laureate?

I have a two-part answer to that. A what? And, why not?

You're not supposed to answer a question with a question.

First, that's not a question. And why not?

These are stupid questions.

Again, that's not a question, and second, there's no such thing as a stupid question, only stupid answers.

Sadnesses.

Neil Pasricha is kind enough to provide a daily 'happy thought' based on experience. Mostly he's right. I smile and move on. Some days it's 'meh.' And then some rare days, we get offerings like this:

When you realize your phone's not lost you're just talking on it. AWESOME

I dunno. Personally, I find this sad, that Neil is on his phone so much it's become his normal state, and that he has to detach from his reality to realize it's as if his phone is glued to his head.

On the plus side, he's talking on the phone and engaging in genuine human interaction, not just doomscrolling, and I guess having a fruitful, enjoyable conversation. Or else, sadly, he's listening to a robot tell him his 'call is very important to us and a representative will be with you shortly.'

About illeism.

illeism is the practice of talking about oneself in the third person, rather than the first person. Supposedly, this helps people think more objectively about personal problems.

I can hear some of you saying, 'that's all nice, but does that make illeism worthy of a W.o.W.? I wondered about that too, but if you have a real problem with its inclusion, there will be a whole new W.o.W. next week for you to fuss over.

There's an easier way.

Sports Illustrated poses this one: MLB Standings Show What It Takes to Lead Best Division in Baseball

Uh, say what, SI? Looking at the standings tells you what team, not why or how, aka 'what it takes.'

You don't have to do research. If you want to lead any division in baseball or any other sport, win more games than all the other teams.

Which, in a certain demented way, I guess the standings do show. Personally, I think a paraphrase of Lou's question is a much better way of phrasing it.